i got depressed today and lurked a bit on the humane society's website.

been crazy busy. i work 6 days this week, covering my roomies shifts. i won orlando's 2nd best artist from the daily city. i also got asked to do the cover for orlando weekly! super stoked on that. my new job is pretty cool. i heard some customers talking about my art, not knowing i am the bartender. in a good way.
i got some new paintings that are almost completed.
i also have some new models.

operation dream home.
"87 dodge van a/c unit on roof works perfect, 87,000mi has toilet ,sink,bed ,you can live in this van ,runs good inside is real nice ,all it needs is a paint job,"

its so ugly, i love it. i dont think $900 vans with toilets are flying off the shelves, so i may actually be able to buy it in the next few weeks.

i started my new job (one day a week) ha. its sweet so far. its a dark bar, and i look good in the dark. i have to learn about beers that arent pbrs. i purchased soap the other day, and it didn't break me financially. i guess thats how normal people live. then i lost all my cash somehow. probably from throwing my purse, which i do alot. i didnt want to put it in my bank account because its over drafted.
the cops have yet to kick us out, every day i am thankful, more so than before.
my friend lauren gave me a bunch of canvas because she moved.
hung a show today, been fucking stressed and busy. after the holidays, ill be able to breathe again.
i need to buy a car s, some shit beater, so i wont be homeless.

its 1am and i just landed a job bar tending. looks like ill be sticking around. i start tuesday.  i love when people tell me their secrets, so it seems like a suitable job.

a couch was confirmed for me in the city of new orleans. i picked up some chicory coffee from the grocery store. its brewing now. im using this cup of coffee to help me decide if i should buy a bus ticket. im counting on the flavor to stir something in my heart. because right now, all i am working with is the allure of ghosts, old buildings and a handful of vampire novels i read in high school.
i have until the sheriff comes to decide, which i have no idea when that will be.
there is freedom in having nothing.

ooohhh. look who got on the multiple choice for best artist for the daily city!

everything in my life is going to shit. all at once.
lawyers are on our case now, eviction is imminent.
i don't want to give in.
finding what you actually want to do with your life, and doing it is like hitting the top of maslow's pyramid. like the food pyramid, the top is where everything you actually want is. the sweetness.

except maybe im just trying to do it instead of having any viable success.
but that takes time, and time is no longer on my side.
i dont mind living in squalor, or pangs of hunger, but i need a quite place to hide and work.
living a life without passion isnt one worth living.
 the freedom from the oppression of rent has helped me make leaps and bounds in quality, at least. im not anywhere perfection yet, far, far from it, but there is a visible improvement since i quit my job and put my heart and soul into painting.
im debating if i should just break in another foreclosed home, and make it my own. or just leaving. my friend said i could sleep on her couch in nola awhile back. emailed her to see if thats still an option.
i can sell paintings on the street, lurk in old graveyards and drink chicory coffee.
a new city would be nice, i want to be anonymous for awhile.
i just dont want to be a couch surfer leech in orlando.
if im homeless, i may as well go somewhere beautiful.
vanish and work.
there was some good stuff, but, like everything else good thats been happening to me, it all gets scraped, because the avalanche of feces keeps washing it away.

wendy models for me, ive been wanting to paint her since ive met her.

got a new model, im excited to paint her. my roommate is like Casanova, so there is always an influx of pretty girls in my house.
i will be a working woman again soon. i got a job while drinking beers with the owners of the falcon. i whined that they should serve coffee, so i could stroll and drink coffee down there like an art fag. so they are making me their barista!
a college degree gave me the skills to work in a few cafes before. they are giving me free range to create my own set up too. so i am going to make it super snobby with high end coffee, french pressed. it will only be 4 hours a day, so ill still have time to paint while single handily taking down the starbucks a block away.
this job will fund my escape. i had another incident walking home again. sex offender on the prowl. i want to move somewhere that has decent public transportation or at least somewhere thats not chock full of rapists and muggers. since then, im carrying a big hunting knife around with me, because i really dont want to get raped, and be doomed to have to listen to tori amos songs 24/7.
my friend was coincidentally teaching me how to quickly blind people, and showing me what points of the human body to go for a few weeks ago. but i was to busy giggling to soak it in, apparently good looking boys with weapons just tickles me pink.
i intend to act purely on straight animal reaction.

but on a brighter side, my friend came over to model for a commission and her baby started peeing in the middle of it, which i caught on camera. she also allowed me to take a picture of me pretending to eat her baby.

i cant sleep, due to a panic attack. so stressed out because a fucking bumper. and the money i need to pay in two weeks for it. afraid im going to lose out on two good opportunities because of the strain, and not being able to put the money where it needs to go to have a chance to climb out of living in squalor.
my experiment of ceasing to drink only left me with the clarification that its not even close to the root of my problem. i think its just a inherent chemical imbalance. i got sick of staying at home and goggling where my cerebellum is located, and reading about failure rates and effects of self inflicted gunshots to the head. i came to the verdict that once im back in the black, im going to go to the doctor and try out an antidepressant, even though i think that shit is mostly horrible. i have been working alot, and will have new paintings up shortly, im just working on a new way that takes twice as long until completion.